Thursday, December 18, 2008

Loneliness and Celibacy might soon be my only friends

Dear Schmeat -

I'm sorry I had to leave Chad's party so early. I know it was a special night for Chad and I really do like the Richardson, despite it's insurmountable distance from other Williamsburg hot-spots, making it a near herculean feat to even reach the place, and then there's all the glasses.

You probably stayed longer than I did, so you can fill me in on what I missed. Though, it was probably for the best that I bailed when I did, thus avoiding that moment when I would take my obligatory shit on the conversation, sabotaging not only my own hopes of getting laid, but also those of anyone else in the vicinity. Did everybody have a good time? Did Andrew and Jerod get digits from the only two single women there?

That was one of the brighter spots of the night, but sadly it made me think of all the reasons that I'm not much of a friend, and even less of a human being.

First of all, Schmeat, and you may not know this about me, but there tends to come a point in most social situations when I take the aforementioned shit on the converstation. I only mention it because it is so indicative of my low quality friendship/humanity, in that the resulting alienation affects my friends as much, if not more, than it does me.

When interacting with new people, namely women, I should probably learn to filter my thoughts, not only because it might help me socially, but because it might hurt my friends less than my current policy of capsizing most intimate moments, commonly known in the vernacular as "cockblocking".

My friendship in this capacity is doubly a burden, because my "eccentricities" are not only detrimental to most social interactions, but it effectively puts to bed any chance that my friends stood of actually persuing anthing in the way of meaningful with whomever they were speaking at the time of my social hiccup.

Then again, Schmeat, if my friends really thought hard about the dynamics of our relationship they'd realize that I am seriously holding them back. But since after nearly 10 years of knowing many of them, they haven't come to that determination. So I must be imagining all of this. I should probably still change, but I probably won't, and so long as my mom keeps sending those monthly checks to my nearest and dearest friends, I won't have to.

The second (and far from last) blackmark on my friendship resume has to deal more with who brought the single ladies to the party than it has to do with the single ladies themselves.

You see, Schmeat, it's just so rare that a gay man manages to come through for his Hetero brethren. That's really the one and only beef I've got with the gays. Don't they realize that some of us actually find sex with women tolerable? Is it asking too much of any and every gay man that I may happen to know, even in the most nebulous, cursory fashion, to help me accidentally propogate the human race with some anonymous woman friend of their's, whilst in a drunken stuper? Is it?

I don't think I've ever actually been sexually satisfied by a woman as a consequense of my gay friendships. And yet, Schmeat, I still continue to slowly accumulate gay friends and aquaintances at an alarming rate. And what's more, I don't discontinue my subscription to the gay friendships I already have. Even those that have proven unviable, with regard to supplying women for future awkward good mornings and free clinic visits.

Is it fair to say that my gay friends aren't trying hard enough? Or perhaps its me?

Why can't I just befriend a gay without the expectation that he will provide me with single women, preferably with loose morals and low self-esteem, to canoodle with? Maybe the gays I know, and the potential gays of the future, just want to be platonic man friends without the undue pressure of turning their female friends, aquaintances, and sisters into a cafeteria style sex banquet for me, their socially inept heterosexual friend?

It's not as if I hold my hetero friends to the same standard. So why should the gay men in my life be forced to pay some sort of friendship tythe to me by way of intercourse with their female friends?

It probably has something to do with the unrealistic media images of gay men with impossibly large groups of straight female friends. How is someone who believes everything TV tells them supposed to know that these Hollywood gays are not the same hard working, everyday, gay men you might find on Main Street in small towns all over America?

It seems like the real crime isn't that I have self-centered, vaguely homophopic expections for the gay members of my social circle, it's that the media developed, promotes, and reinforces my
self-centered, vaguely homophopic expections for the gay members of my social circle.

Whatever the true cause of all of my social shortcomings, I think its only fair to say that it is probably somebody else's fault. When next we speak you'll have to fill me in on all the details from the rest of the night.


Anonymous said...

Dear Schmeat,
If you were interested in a girl, would you introduce that girl to one of your heterosexual friends if you knew that that girl would probably be more interested in your friend than you? No, you would not. Therefore, has is occurred to you that a reason why some, if not all, of the gay men in your social circle may not want to introduce you to their female friends because they may be interested in having you, or lets by honest, sexing you and they know you would be more interested in sexing their friend.

I am one of the gay men in your circle and I will say now that I have a raw animalistic attraction to you. All of your reasons for thinking that you will be a hermit, single and sexless for the rest of your life is the very thing that attract me to you. I think about you often waiting for that day when you may get drunk and become vulnerable to my irresistible charms (at least to gay men). I know that you are heterosexual so I would never disrespect you or me by coming on to you while you were sober.

So, if you are hoping that the gay men in your social circle will come around and introduce you to one of our female friends, well, that may happen one day, but not from me. I will continue to hope and dream that one day we can share that intimate moment.

Lonliness and celibacy does not have to be your future.

Schmeat said...

I really shouldn't allow anonymous comments, grammar and usage errors worse than my own, or a complete lack of anything resembling a grasp of sarcasm on my blog