Monday, December 15, 2008

Dear John for Schmeat

Dear Schmeat -

We've known each other for awhile now, and I think its safe to say we've really bonded.

I mean, sure, at first you didn't mean that much to me. In fact, you were little more than an arguably clever mnemonic device, meant to amuse and disgust. But even in that limited capacity, our relationship brought me untold satisfaction.

Since then, our mutual love for crude, adolescent dick humor has blossomed into so much more. In the near decade since fate (and Chad Colby) forced us together, what began as a begrudgingly civil union has become something very special and dear to me.

Though, I may never have truly accepted you as my own, I think its fair to say that I've come to love you, nonetheless, in a different, perhaps even more special, way. A love that one can only have for their unsolicited nickname.

It's a desperate and beautiful passion rooted deeply in the insecurity of friendship. The kind that develops when those crazy insecure thoughts creep in late at night when you are alone and you think to yourself "What if my friends don't really like me? What if they are just waiting for an opportunity to abandon me? Now probably isn't the best time to make a stink about that whole 'Schmeat' thing."

Yes, Schmeat, that is how we came to be as we are. Two peas forcibly occupying a pod. I have really cherished our time together, and that is what makes this so hard.

I think its time that we took a break. I know this may come as a shock. You're probably saying to yourself "What did I do? Wasn't I affectionate enough? Was I too distant? What more could I have done?"

But don't blame yourself. This isn't about you. Its about me. Since moving to New York five and some odd years ago, I've seen you go from a small town college cock joke whose usage was limited to a small cadre of revirgined animation dorks, to a full fledged multi-purpose word on par with such multi-taskers as "fuck".

Let's face it you're so much more than a crude nickname. You're an adjective now, a verb, a noun.....before long you'll be a cognate in other Indo-European languages.

People know you before they ever know me, and some people are even lucky enough to either never meet me or forget me soon after, but you know what they don't forget? You, Schmeat. They never forget you.

You've made me so proud. When I was a wide eyed 20 year old, I never dreamed I'd have a nickname as infectious as you, but here we are. It's funny how things work out. The thing you think you want least becomes the thing you need most. You were that for me Schmeat.

That's why I have to do this. You're bigger than me now, and I have to let you go. I have to let you spread your wings and fly. Go little bird, fly.

I know it'll be hard at first, but if you don't go now, you'll regret it for the rest of your life, and though you'll never say it out loud, you'll always hold it against me. And I just couldn't live with that. So, go now. Go and be all that I always knew you could be and more. Go and always remember....I love you.


chadcolby said...


I shed a tear.


chadcolby said...
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