Saturday, January 17, 2009

My Real-Age is 19.1....Suck It Calendar Age!

Dear Schmeat -

I recently updated my RealAge Test on Its a fabulous site, that when told slight untruths, calculates the difference between your calendar age and your body's biological age.
Your RealAge

Your RealAge is

I've apparently treated my body quite well, because according to the website I'm still a spry, nubile, teenager. I would have thought that all of my drinking, overendulgance in self-pitying depression, and feverish masturbation would have taken a few years off of my life, but, apparently, I was mistaken.

RealAge seems to think that having a couple of drinks a day is good for me. Unfortunetely it doesn't ask if all of those drinks are taken care of one night a week. And, unbeknownst to me, sexual health is an important ingredient to over-all well being. When viewed in that light, all that self-abuse I've been partaking in for the past couple decades doesn't seem so bizarre.

Now, Schmeat, you might be concerned to hear that depression does cause my RealAge to go up, and it doesn't help that I have only 3-5 friends or close family members that I contact at least once a week. My living situation also seems to be detrimental to my health. Apparently being an UrbanHermit doesn't help you maintain that youthful vigor. suggests that I get a dog. They obviously have not read my lease agreement.

In case you were interested in learning more about what factors have helped pickle me to such an astonishing degree, you should check out the website so that you too can tell people how incredibly healthy and gullible you are!

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